Follow Up

I was haunted again last night...

Maybe it is the tea I am drinking before bed-he recommended it.

This is so weird and spooky, I don't know if I want the dreams to continue or stop. Either way I cannot wait to go to sleep at night.

Confession # 17

I have been having the most amazing sex dreams.

The dreams are about this guy I dated a few months back. The relationship started out great but then it started to get weird, so it ended. Well for the past week this man has haunted me. The dream I had last night was so real when I woke up I could swear I could smell him on my bedclothes.

The dreams always start off the same. I am on vacations somewhere, Hawaii, Disneyland, Seattle's Pike Place Market or some other random touristy place. I am standing in middle of everything and I am obviously waiting for someone. Then he appears. His walk is unmistakable, confident and rhythmic. His smile is as big as the sun. I can feel myself smile.

We go about the day just hanging out. We are laughing, playing and talking-just having an amazing time. As the day winds down we go get coffee and then I have to leave. The separation is heartbreaking, but necessary. I get into a cab and head back to my hotel.

I enter the lobby and head over to the bar to have a drink and meet up with my girlfriends. After some time has past and I have gone over the details of the day with my friends, the bartender and anyone else who will listen, I decide it is best not to call him and head up to my room. I press the button for elevator, it opens and there he is. Smile as big as the sun.

I wake up completely drenched in sweat and short of breath. It is amazing. The funny thing is the sex was okay but not great in real life, so I have no idea why I am having these dreams about him.

It is SPOOKY! All this week I have gone around looking over my shoulder to see if he is there, watching me. I have even pulled back the curtains of my front window to see if he is there on the street staring at my house. He's not of course, but I can feel him close by.

I don't know what any of this means, I don't even know if the dreams will continue but if they do I wonder where we will meet up tonight.

The rain is really coming down now; I am going to fix myself a cup of tea and head into the bedroom. I wish I had not tossed his number. I would love to call him and see if he is getting ready to dream about me.

Confession # 16

I think I am hysterical.

Not everyone gets my silly little sense of humor, but it makes me laugh.

I went on a date last night, nice guy, no spark but I had fun.

We went to Peet's for coffee and desserts. We were in line and I was trying to figure out if I wanted the fat free angel fool's cake or my old standard the lemon square, when all of a sudden an interesting chocolaty, gooey caramel brownie thingy caught my eye. I gently put my hands on both of my dates upper arms so I could move him out of the way to see if the brownie would be worth an extra 15 minutes on the treadmill, when all of a sudden he looked at me, smiled and said,

“Are you trying to feel my muscles?”

He flexed his muscle right there in line and said, “Go ahead, you can touch it.”

The girl behind the counter rolled her eyes, but what the hell. So I felt it; it was impressive. Then I got a big smile on my face and said,

“Do you want to feel mine?”

I have tiny arms, but they house rock hard muscles, so I flexed my arm and he touched my muscle, smiled at me and noded his head in approval.

The girl behind the counter started to giggle, I started busting up and could not stop. I was not really making fun of him. Okay, I was, but come on, how cheesy is that? 'Feel my muscle.' I am sure he thought I was a spaz.

Well the outing was not completely ruined, we moved on to other subjects and I got my brownie.

FEEL MY MUSCLE! ROFL

Confession # 15

I have an obsession. Orchids!

Today my sisters and I went out to Fort Mason for the orchid expo. It was amazing! I promised myself I would only buy one, if any at all. I left with three. We took MUNI so I could only carry so much.

I don't know why I am so obsessed with orchids. I guess it is because I find them symbolic of a good relationship. When you first bring an orchid home it is in full bloom it is sexual, beautiful, consuming... but after while the blooms start to wither and the plant is left with only it's roots and leaves begging for attention.

When a girl gives her lover an orchid, it is a symbol, whether she realizes it or not. It says this is us now, exciting and beautiful, but things do change. It says take care of us, be loving and nurturing and our relationship will continue to bloom year after year. It says be patient and committed and our love with be eternal. Like the orchid, with the right care, we can be immortal.

When a girl gives her lover an orchid she is not only giving him her heart and soul but also her dreams.

I have only given one man an orchid; it was long before I knew better. I will not be so careless with such a precious gift again.

Confession # 14

I do not believe there is such a thing as a committed relationship.

Maybe I am just cynical, or maybe I am still in a funk about Valentine’s Day, but I have decided I will not commit myself to a man unless I am 100% positive he is committed to me. And I will only be convinced of that if he agrees to a 24/7 surveillance detail and to wear an electronic ankle bracelet. This is why….

After spending all day at home yesterday moping about Monday’s contrived holiday, I decided to take advantage of the break in the weather and have lunch with my girlfriend. She has been dating this guy for about 6 months, and even though all of us know there is something just not right about this guy, she has convinced herself he is the one.

Anyway, she is showing me pictures he sent to her of a ski weekend he took with his buddies, buddies she still has yet to meet. She is cooing over these pictures (he is very cute) when all of a sudden a girl walking back to her table from the bathroom yells,

“Where did you get those?!?”

We look around the restaurant because we cannot believe she is talking to us, but sure enough the girl is standing there pointing at the pictures in my friend’s hand and demands to know again,

“Where did you get those pictures?!?”

As calmly and as composed as anyone could possibly be in such a situation, my friend explains that her boyfriend sent her the pictures.

“Your boyfriend? I took those pictures of my boyfriend when we went skiing last weekend.”

The din of the restaurant becomes a little quieter. My friend stands up to face this girl who is at the very least 5 years her junior.

Okay, I know what you are thinking. There must be some mistake. There is more than one guy in the photo; surely this girl’s boyfriend must be one of the other guys in the picture with my friend’s boyfriend.

NO!

Same guy, and the buddies, just some random guys they met on the slopes and decided to have beers with.

OH MY GOD! Who does that? Who sends picture to one girl of a trip he took with another? OH MY GOD!


The two just stand there and stare at each other for what seems like an eternity, and then they both reach for their respective purses and the race for the cell phones is on. Change is dropping all over the floor, lipsticks are rolling across the table, and fingers are flying to find the number first on the speed dial. I cannot help but to giggle a little.

He does not answer either call of course, but I would pay money to see his face when he picks up those messages. Two messages from two angry women, with the other angry woman screaming in unison in the background. Cash! I would pay cash!

I get back to work and tell my assistant what happened and he shakes his head and says, “Men are scum.”

Okay if men think men are scum what chance do we have on finding one that is not? I fear it is hopeless, so no committed relationships for me.

Confession # 13

Valentine's Day got to me.

BrazenlyBad FAQ

By Request for Valentine’s Day

Best Kiss
College, the boyfriend of one of my girlfriends, Genesis' "Home By the Sea” was playing on the radio. I still get chills when I hear that song.

Worst Kiss
This guy I dated in the fall. Too much mouth and too much force. I like kisses that are soft and slow.

Best Date
This is a tie-
One in college. One last summer when I met my White Knight.
Both were all day affairs, both ended without a good night kiss and both were the beginning of wonderful friendships.

All magic no reality!

Worst Date
The first official date with my Ex. We finished dinner in ten minutes and then went on to watch a very bad movie. In retrospect I should have ran away.

Best Sex
It was “One for the Road” sex with a guy I had already broken up with. Somehow I ended up waking up in his apartment and we had one last roll in the sheets. On cold lonely nights I use this memory to warm me up.

Worst Sex
The guy with the tiny penis, but like I said before, I don’t think it counted. So I will have to come back to this one.

Risky Sex
On my boss’ boat--NOT WITH MY BOSS

Boring Sex
None

Confession # 12

My secret weapon—THE HAIR TOSS!

I use my hair to get attention.

In the car I will toss my hair back and forth and pretend that I am really into a song on the radio then look over at the guy in the car next to me through tossed bangs and smile. I will usually get the jump on him when the light changes.

In bars I use the hair toss to not so casually check out a man of interest, I can also hide behind my hair if I have attracted the attention of the wrong man.

I also do this thing during dinner where I tilt my head and run my hand up the nape of my neck and pull is slowly through my long brown tresses. My hair falls like a water fall. This is how I get out of splitting the check.

The best though is a when my date and I end up at the coffee shop in Sausalito in the late afternoon. I sit with my back to the window and my hair lights up like a halo around me. These dates usually end with some very good kissing out by the Taj Mahal.

Confession # 11

I am a HUGE Sports Fan!

I just got my Giants tickets! YES! Now I just have to find a steady date that can score the game, drink beer, eat peanuts and catch a homerun ball for me all at the same time.

I dated a man last summer who did not like sports. What is up with that?!? He actually wanted to fool around while I was watching the game the day Barry Bonds hit number 700. When the game is on I am focused. Lucky for him we were not dating during football season. If he tried to mess around during a Niner’s game I would have shoved him out the door. Well maybe not, at least there would have been some action going on for the home team.

Confession # 10

I went the gym tonight and then decided to head over to the Apple Store to feed my iPod habit. I just needed this remote thing so I don’t have to keep walking over to the stereo every five minute to rewind or fast forward a song.

Well I had a good work out and then walked the half mile to the store, so needless to say by the time I get there I am gross, but quick trip right. WRONG. I am in line behind every stupid person in the city and none of them knows what they want. WHY DO PEOPLE GET IN LINE WHEN THEY ARE NOT READY?

So I am standing there, gross, waiting not so patiently for my turn when this really cute guy lines up behind me. So now we are both standing there waiting not so patiently. Finally I turn around and ask him what he is getting to feed his iPod habit. It is this thing so he can play his iPod through his car radio. He has one thing I have one thing, and we are still standing there waiting. I shake my head and say, I don’t get it. It is only going to take me 2 minutes; he shakes his head and says it is only going to take him 30 seconds. We start to chat a little bit more about our iPod habits and then finally it is my turn.

2 minutes!!!!! Maybe less.

He is at the cashier next to me so I tap him and say “2 minutes” and he says, “Give me 30 seconds and I will buy you a drink.”

I am gross, agitated, AND DID I MENTION GROSS!

So I say I have to pass, but I gave him my number. He won’t call.

Moral of the story: Go to the gym, go home! Run the errand first! I do this all the time. I will never learn.

Confession # 9

I was flipping through this month’s Cosmo and came across an article called “Butt Reality”.

Apparently you can tell a lot about a guy by his ass. My ex had an “Apple Tush” and the man I slept with for a few months after my breakup had a “Bubble Butt”. Both descriptions of these men were pretty dead on. I just wish looking at some guy’s ass could tell me whether he is an ass.

Confession # 8

I am not attracted to the Metrosexual. Is being metrosexual even still in vogue?

Anyway, if you don’t know, a metrosexual as defined by WordSpy is as follows:
metrosexual (met.roh.SEK.shoo.ul) n. An urban male with a strong aesthetic sense who spends a great deal of time and money on his appearance and lifestyle.

These men are very confused. Talking with one is like talking to a silly woman.

I spend a lot of time and money to get ready for my dates. I want to be the one people stop and look at when we walk into the room, not the silly man who stole my appointment at Trū.

But worse than a metrosexual is a wannabe metrosexual. Sweetheart, no matter how much the shirt cost it will not hide the fact that you need to wax your back! Charlotte from Sex and the City said it best, “You are not suppose to be able to grab someone’s back” A “Trū” metrosexual would know that.

Confession # 7

Sometimes I get lost.

This morning was one of those times. I woke up feeling like I had been absent from things for awhile. So I did something I had not done in a couple of months; I went running.

I love running on an empty street. I love running in the morning mist. I love running over steam grates. I love running with the music playing so loud it is like my very own personal soundtrack. I love watching newspapers being delivered. I love watching flower vendors inspecting their deliveries. I love watching the world around me getting ready for another busy day, and yet everyone leaves me alone. I am running. People get that. No one bothers me, no one interrupts. I am able to find my way back, my way back to my morning coffee and paper and another day to conquer.

Confession # 6

I have become a snob when it comes to cocktails.

When you are younger it is easy. You just ask the bartender for whatever the latest fad drink is and he pours it for you. As you get older and start to date men of a little higher caliber, you realize there is an art to ordering spirits.

My drink of choice is a “Grey Goose” Martini--extra dry with a twist.

Men seem to get turned on by this. “Oh, she knows her vodka”, that is the usual comment I get the first time I order a drink on a date. I guess it is because it puts me on a level playing field with them.

Men I have dated have ordered the following:

12 YO Crown Royal on the rocks (not whisky on the rocks)
Bombay (Sapphire) & Tonic (not gin & tonic)
Bombay (not Sapphire) straight up (not gin no ice)
Baileys (not coffee with dessert)

There are more, but these seem to be the most popular.

Special Note: I am also a beer and wine snob, but this is cocktail hour. I will let you know my thoughts on beer and wine when I write about dinner conversation.

Confession # 5

I get a bikini wax twice a month.

This is very important especially since I spend so much money on the panties.

I got my first bikini wax about a year ago for a mid-winter island holiday. The pain wasn’t so bad and I liked the way my clothes felt on my smooth skin. After a year of bi-monthly waxing it is now a piece of cake.

Special note: If your regular waxing appointment should fall right before you start your period, pop 2 Advil 20 minutes before. Believe me, it is a life saver.

Confession # 4

I spend a lot of money on my panties and bras.

I use to be a ‘tidy whitey’ only girl, but then my girlfriend got a job in the lingerie department at Macy's and said to me one day, “What the FUCK, are you doing? Your single now, slap some lace on that ass. It has been working hard, give it a treat!”

And where there are lacey panties they must be lacey bras.

Okay, white cotton panties can be sexy, as long as they are not briefs, but grocery shopping in blue lace Calvin Klein’s keeps you away from the cookie aisle and makes the produce far more fun to squeeze.

Confession # 3

I have to learn the lingo of dating. Last night while my girlfriends and I were waiting for a table at our favorite restaurant some guy came over and told me, “I had him sprung.”

I was mildly embarrassed but relieved to find out that it meant he had sprung an erection and not a leak.

Special note: White guys in their late 30s should not try to speak ghetto, especially in a suit and tie.

Confession # 2

I have mastered a skill that makes men think they are great in bed. The funny thing is I don’t even require a man to do this or any other device, electronic or other wise.

I slept with a man the other night that was so small I don’t really think the sex counted. Anyway, I was getting bored so I had one. He was so excited.

It was at that moment that I knew it was a skill and not all women can do it. I am told that many women fake it. I don’t see how. If you actually have one you can feel your heart beat and so can the man you are with. I guess I just blew the secret. Sorry.