Confession # 29

I did it again!

I met this super cute guy at the car wash. We totally connected, we were talking about our dogs and then I had to go see about a problem with my seats, when I came back he was gone.

DAMN IT!

I have to learn to close. All my guy friends said I should have gave him my number. Guys are too afraid to ask sometimes and are extremely flattered and relieved when the girl takes the initiative.

Okay so now I know, but how do I find this guy to give him my number! I guess I am going to be spending a ton of time walking my dogs on the trail this weekend hoping to accidentally run into him.

Confession # 28

Today I am being a “Lazy Cow.”

Three sleepless nights have made me so tired that I cannot function, so I am playing hooky from all my responsibilities today. It is 10:30 AM and I am lying in bed watching “Bridget Jones, The Edge of Reason” and cannot stop crying.

I often feel like Bridget, completely incapable of doing anything right.

The sun is out! Should not be in bed!

I should go running, but my running partner is on a business trip, and I am too tired to go it alone. I guess I could take a nap and head out to the gym later this afternoon. I should make a promise to myself that that is exactly what I am going to do.

Yes! I will put it down in my day timer. 3:00 PM! Hit the Gym!

Goody! The clouds have covered the sun. Bridget is now in Thailand! I can feel sleep coming.

Zzzzzzz……

Confession # 27

I cannot sleep when it rains.

I don't really know why. I think it may have something to do with the fact that I lost a dog in the rain when I was very young, but who really knows.

Hard rain or soft rain, I always hear it. It knocks on my bedroom window, it calls to me, and it wakes me up. I lie in bed and wonder why, why am I awake? I get up, stumble down the hall into the kitchen, fix myself a cup of tea, sit in the dark, stare out the window in silence and just watch it-for hours… I have done this for years…

Last night the rain added another element of mystery. It knocked the power out.

I sat in the kitchen staring out the window, but it was not dark. The moon was waxing so the clouds were lit from above and cast an eerie orange glow on everything. I lit a match to ignite the burner so I could have my tea and I waited for morning. As I watched the rain bounce like coins off the sidewalk I thought of all the things I needed to do today, and how I needed sleep to do most of them. I thought of all the things I could be doing then, but not having any power made doing them impossible.

My mind filled until the kettle blew and woke me up to what I really needed to be doing at that moment. Retreat and do nothing but be still. Watch the rain, and think of nothing. Let the sound of the rain hypnotize me like it has always done. Relax in a way that sleep cannot even provide. Relax and be with myself, be awake but not really conscious, be happy for the quite, be thankful for this rare gift of peace.

Confession # 26

I went to see a psychic this weekend.

I am not sure I believed everything she told me, but it was very interesting and entertaining.

She told me things about my personality that anyone with eyes could tell me, and told me things about my past that anyone can guess, but she also told me things about my future, which I hope are true.

She said the man of my dreams is coming, soon. He will be kind and loving, attentive and romantic, he will be all the things I have always wanted in a man, but never could seem to find. And the best part, he will find me.

Two years. That is what she said. He will find me and in two years we will marry, and we will live happily ever after.

So, I guess I stop looking and just enjoy the path to my destiny. :-)

Confession # 25

My favorite color is green!

Kermit the Frog said that it is not easy being green, but then came to realize that green was in fact the only color worth being.

Today is the day to wear green. Today is the day to rejoice in good luck and good fortune. Today is the day to gather with friends and celebrate. Today being green is not only easy but a requirement.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Confession # 24

My normal Sunday afternoon routine is to sit on my couch with a stack of magazines, my day timer and the TiVo remote. I plan for the week ahead and I catch up on all the things I missed from the week left behind.

Well my running partner, formally known as muscle man, just called and told me he is picking me up in an hour to hit the trail. It is such a beautiful day that there is really no excuse for sitting here on the couch, but I really do want some down time.

Torn between two loves.

Running and letting it all out or sitting and letting it all in.

The pictures in the fashion magazines are shouting, GO RUNNING! My day timer is warning me that quite time is not available again until… not this week!

What to do, what to do????

I am going to go running. (sigh) Good girl. Wise choose.

Okay, now where did I put that remote? I have one hour.

Confession # 23

I need two things to get me going in the morning. Coffee and Music!

This morning I stumbled into the kitchen, poured my coffee, switched on my iPod and Lynard Skynard told me to turn it up--so I did.

A house without music is like a body without a heartbeat.

There was always music playing in my house when I was growing up, but when I was living with my Ex, music was noticeably absent. Which is strange because he was a self proclaimed audiophile. I finally figured out that all that really meant was he collected precious vinyl, but we could not play it because we might scratch it, and CDs were out of the question, because digital is still not as good as virgin vinyl…. yadayadayada…..

Anyway…

I use music to express myself. My whole mood, good or bad, can turn on a song. My whole day can be defined by whatever earworm crawls into my head while I drink my morning coffee. My life's story can be told by the library of music I keep safe on my iPod.

Music means so much to me and it does so much for me--it wakes me up. Music is not just the heartbeat of my house, but of my life. I cannot allow it to go silent again.

Confession # 22

I love my bed!

It is an 18 inch, NASA foam pillow top mattress, with 300 thread count island cotton sheets, 2 pima cotton blankets, a down duvet and 4 large down pillows. It is so comfortable. I call it my own private cloud.

This week has been so crazy. I have been going non-stop since 9:00 AM Monday morning, and the rest of the week doesn't look like it is going to get any better. So tonight I ducked out of my board meeting a little early, came home and climbed into bed.

It feels so good to be home. The house is quite and still. The warm weather has allowed me to open my windows and the sweet aroma of jasmine fills the air. My dogs' slow steady breathing is lulling me into a relaxed state. And the glow of my PowerBook makes me grateful that I can write down my thoughts about my private cloud from my private cloud.

I have always retreated to my bed when things got rough, I have always climbed in and pulled the cover over my head and waited for sleep to temporarily take me away from my troubles. Tonight is different.

Tonight, my bed, my private cloud is a treat. A place where I can be alone and enjoy the only quite moment I can squeeze out from a hectic week, a place where the only expectation is to dream, a place where no one is invading my space and a place where I can be still and just breathe.

Confession # 21

Yesterday I was given the opportunity to cry, so I took it.

The company of a dear friend had a major event this weekend, and he asked if I could attend and hang out with him while he schmoozed vendors. I said yes and found myself heading towards the absolutely last place in the world I wanted to go.

As I made the drive I had made many times before, I could feel the tears coming. I kept telling myself, I could do it. I could go there and be charming and witty and supportive, no matter how I was feeling inside. I had to do it. My friend needed me.

I went, I put a smile on, did what I needed to do, and left. But instead of just going home, I made a stop even though I promised myself I wouldn't. You see, leaving the event site I had a choice, I could turn left towards home and never look back or I could go straight and find closure. I went straight.

On an empty trail I sat down on a bench and cried. I had sat on this bench once before, in the crook of the arm of a man who now hates me. I sat alone, cried and said all the things I wanted so badly to say to this man even though he was not there to hear. I said all my thank yous. I voiced all my anger and all my sadness for things gone wrong. I made countless apologies for behavior that I am too embarrassed to even mention. I said goodbye.

I left a piece of my heart on that bench yesterday. I also took a treasure from the trail to bring home and press into my book of sonnets, so I can always remember, try to forget and finally move on.

Confession # 20

I have created a situation that I am not really proud of.

There is no real way to deal with the situation, except just to sit with it and ride it out. There is no real good excuse for what I did, except to say that I was angry because I was lied to, and felt betrayed. There is no real solution for the situation because I am the only player left standing.

What I really need to do now is cry, and I still cannot do that.

Re-writers of history will tell a different story of the “overall” situation so they can move on in their own way, but I know the truth because there are certain things I would never have done if I the story went the way the revised version is being told.

No matter, I just have to cry, get it out, and move on.

Why can't I cry?....

Maybe because the heartbreak I am dealing with is that of a small child who lives deep inside of me, and was given hope. Maybe the grown up anger I am dealing with is more about that and so I cannot deal with the grown up hurt. I have to take care of the child.

I need to cry. A real good grown up cry!

It will hit me soon, the anger and the sadness have moved from my stomach to my chest. The tears are there, I can feel them coming and it will be the silliest thing that will bring them out, but that silly thing will more than likely become one of my fondest memories.

Confession # 19

I just went on a very unique date.

Since the weather has been nice these past couple of days, Muscle Man invited me to go for a lunchtime run. Now I normally do not like to share my workouts because I take them very seriously, but I thought it might be nice to run with a buddy, so I accepted.

It was also appealing to go on a date that I did not have to get dressed up for; well I did buy a new running outfit for the occasion and fixed my hair just so and pinned on my trusty Cal hat. A girl has to look cute in every situation.

So we hit the trail.

It was nice. I enjoyed having someone to help me keep pace, someone to encourage me to go that extra mile, literally, someone to watch out for me and brush aside anything that was in my way.

The weather was perfect too. Not cold, but just cool enough to keep us moving and cool us down all at the same time. The trail was filled with signs of spring, baby ducks, budding flowers, wet thick mud and squirrels racing back and forth trying to remember where they hid their nuts.

After our run we sat down and shared a PB&J and I told him all about my crazy antics, and he told me about his. It was a good day not to be alone for both us.

Well I don't know if I felt a spark today or not, but I did enjoy my time. We are going to go running again on Thursday, if the weather holds.

Hopefully spring is here for good and the winter of my discontent is over.

Confession # 18

I have been found out.

I have been writing my confessions for about a month now, and I have really enjoyed it, so what the hell, found out or not, I am going to continue.

All my stories are true or at least based on the truth*. They are from the heart and the products of relationships gone badly, but with the hope that I will find one that is truly great.

So with that being said, I am going to move forward knowing that life goes on and I am not going sit it out. So for all of you who have sent me email wanting more, hold on, because here we go.

BrazenlyBad

* Some details have been changed, exaggerated or downplayed to protect the innocent, or not so innocent, aka ME.