Confession # 40

I can mean.

Really mean, and mean in very clever ways, so I not only hurt but I also humiliate the one who has invoked my wrath.

The strange thing is "mean" is not a word anyone really uses to describe me. Most people find me to be very sweet and kind, maybe that is why when I am mean it is so much more painful. It is unexpected, shocking and heartbreaking. I have brought grown men to tears, and taken away the ability to speak from many women, all with a stoic look upon my face, and smile in my eyes.

Sometimes my clever meanness is so wickedly clever that I celebrate it. I am proud of it. No one but me would ever think of such a thing, and everyone I tell about it pats me on the back for being so smart and witty. They laugh and smirk and tell me how good it was of me to do such a thing since I only do mean things to bad people.

Bad people who I once loved and cared very deeply for, bad people who I gave myself completely to and only asked for them to love and care for me in return. Bad people who are not really bad people, but who I am just really mad at and I want them to hurt as much as I hurt. People who I still really do love and care very deeply for. People who I miss and want back in my life.

I guess what this confession is trying to do is explain that if I am mean to you in a wickedly clever way and I have hurt you beyond repair, it is because I once or still do love you, and I am afraid that letting you back in my life will only cause me more pain. My cleverly wicked meanness is a force field which neither one us can penetrate even with the most heartfelt apology so we are lost to each other forever.

I don't like it when I am mean.

Confession # 39

I am being haunted.

A ghost from my past has recently appeared and has me spooked. I am almost positive this ghost is a poltergeist and is just causing trouble for its own amusement and no other reason. If the ghost is just making mischief, I know how deal with it. If the ghost is here for another reason, well that is a whole other can of worms.

Confession # 38

I was sexually harassed last night, I think…

It was Girls' Night Out so we decided to take in a movie. We were in line at the theatre and I was digging in the bottom of my purse to find my ever-elusive credit card, all the while juggling my umbrella and bright pink raincoat. I finally found my card as I got up to the ticket window, handed it to the young man behind the glass and he casually said to me, …I think… 'Nice Bush.'

I froze because I could not believe that this prepubescent boy would say something so foul to me, but my girlfriend heard it too; we both just stood there in shock. I signed my receipt, gave the little pervert a puzzled look and pulled my bright pink raincoat out from between my legs. It was at that moment she and I got it and started busting up, but we still could not believe he said that to me.

We didn't know what to do and we were laughing too hard and I was too embarrassed to really explain the situation to the others with us. My friend who heard it thought we should report him, but we both were not sure if it was really what he said, or if he even knew he said it out loud. We went back and forth between quiet moments of shock and hysterical moments of laughter and decided to let it go. We bought our popcorn, without comments, and saw our movie.

The real funny part of the story though - IT WASN'T EVEN RAINING!

Confession # 37

I read my horoscope daily.

I do not base my life on it, I read it more for fun than anything else, but every now and then some weird coincidence happens that gives me a chill.

Yesterday I received this from iVillage:
Here is your single's love horoscope
for Wednesday, April 20:
Today you're likely to get a communication from very far away sent by a long lost ex-love. Whether it induces a frisson or a fright, it was nice of them to think of you.

Today a communication came, a day late but still pretty freaky. I will be honest, seeing my ex-lover's name in my email in box did cause a little frisson but mostly fright. The message itself was silly and did not warrant a response. So I will take the cosmos advice and just smile and know that he still thinks of me every now and then.

Confession # 36

I went on my very first hike - EVER - today.

I was dorky girl. I had all new stuff -- boots, backpack, Swiss Army knife (with cork screw), a compass, I even had toilet paper. I did not need any of it except my water and my Cliff Bar. But the best part of this tail is I did it. I made it all six miles; I made it up the steep slope to the summit, and back down again. It was so amazing. I was so proud of myself.

The trail itself was also amazing, the vistas were breathtaking, and the hills were covered with wildflowers, the sun was warm and the breeze was cool. It was a perfect day for such a wonderful accomplishment.

Next month I am going to go hiking up in Marin to see the waterfalls. I cannot wait. I think I may have found something I love better than running.

Here is my trail, be amazed.
http://www.openspace.org/preserves/pr_monte_bello.asp

Confession # 35

I am a spoiled brat who likes the finer things in life.
(Did I really need to confess that?)

Well my love of fine things has just bit me in the ass. You see my finer things in life need only the best to keep them going, so I now have to shell out $3.00 a gallon for gas. Yes my BMW loves premium gas and only premium gas from CHEVRON.

I sat there yesterday filling up my car, at Chevron, with all the other BMW and Mercedes owners bitching about the cost of gas while everyone else was at the AM/PM across the street filling up there Saturns with low grade low price gas.

Okay, never mind this confession is silly because driving a BMW is so much better than driving a Saturn.

Confession # 34

I had a blind date Wednesday night. YUCK!!!!

What went right (always start on a positive)
- The restaurant was nice
- The food was good
- The wine selection was excellent

What went wrong
- He was 20 minutes late
- He was not attractive
- He did not like wine
- He voted for George W. Bush
- He was rude to the staff
- There is more, but do I really need to go on?

I hate blind dates. I don't know how I get talked into them. I guess I am just too nice to say no. Note to self: When a friend calls and says, I think you guys would really like each other, hang up the phone.

Confession # 33

Me and the Married Man

I met this man today in the DVD section at Borders, very attractive, very funny and I think very married. He didn't have a ring, but there were other signs.

I was married, and my Ex cheated on me all the time. The worst thing a guy could do to me now would be to make me the other woman. I know that sick feeling of something wrong; I know the anxious moments of trying to figure out if you are crazy or if you are dead on right. I know when the relationship gets very romantic and yet cold all at the same time that guilt not a rekindled flame is running the show. I would hate to be the one who would cause any woman that hell.

So Mr. Borders, who purchases Sideways with a Disney VISA card, who gave me his number at work so we could get a drink later this week, and then headed out the door and climbed into a white Volvo SUV, I will not be calling. I think you are married, and I don't do that.

Confession # 32

I have an irrational fear of escalators.

I am that really annoying person who has to count to three before stepping onto one, and I cannot get on an escalator with a ton of shopping bags in my hands or with someone directly behind me. This seems to bring great amusement to all of my friends and family.

After reading my last confession my girlfriends, just for fun, told me I forgot about the kiss you give each other when you step onto the escalator. I have never been able to do that. I get on, white knuckle the hand rail, pray to God that my shoelaces are tied and that the damn thing does not stop half way down and sends me bouncing my way to certain death.

Maybe that will be the way I will know if I have found true love. I will be able to hold my partner's hand not the rail, get on together, and lean over and kiss him

Confession # 31

I miss kissing.

I don't mean deep passionate kissing, I mean just regular kissing like…
-The Roll-Over-in-Bed kiss you give your partner before you get up
-The Gentle-Back-of-the-Neck kiss you get from your partner while you wash dishes
-The Goodbye-Have-a-Good-Day peck you give each other as you both walk out the door
-The Hi Honey! -Lean-Over-Miss-the-Lips-and-Land-Somewhere-on-the-Cheek kiss you get when you come home and you partner is engrossed in the evening news.

All those little kisses that connect and re-connect two people to each other, I miss those.

Kissing is where it all begins. It is big deal to let someone get that close to you; to let someone break that three-foot perimeter of space every person needs to feel safe. It is exciting to share breath, to breathe life into one another. I think kissing is far more intimate that other form of physical expression. Kissing cannot be self-gratified. Kissing takes two. Kissing cannot be faked.

If you ask any woman she will tell you that if her partner were to kiss or have sex with another woman, she would be more upset about the kiss.

The kiss is real the commitment to and reaffirmation of love. When the world gets too busy, and you are too tired for sex, you never forget to kiss.

Yeah! If you were to ask me what the worst thing about being single was, I would say it is the absence of kissing.

Confession # 30

I have the cutest damn dog on the planet.

He is a 9-month-old Tibetan Terrier named Shaggy. He is black and white and looks like he is the model for every B&W stuffed animal dog in the world. He wins the heart of everyone he meets.

Today at lunch I took him with me on the trail for a run (see confession # 29), it was the first time he has been on the trail. BIG MISTAKE. We had to stop so many times so people could pet him. I had to constantly tug at his leash to keep him focused. He was chasing butterflies, ducks, squirrels and little kids. I almost tripped and fell into the creek a couple of times.

As much as Shaggy drives me nuts, he makes me so happy. I can be having the worst day, come home and find him chewing up a pair of brand new shoes and I will just fall to the floor laughing. I don't know what it is about this dog but everyone should get a Shaggy.

Bottom line -- It is hard to get mad when you are so in love.